The last day...

Okay, so I'm about to go out to my last dinner and I just can't believe that my time is almost up. I'm trying not to dwell on it but the journey home and that next adventure all of a sudden seems so much more stressful! So here are some of the words from someone who is roughly 38 hours away from being asleep in a bed in Buffalo (long travel day tomorrow...ugh). 

I don't believe it. I know this will be my last post from abroad but I'm planning on posting at least two more times. One with a survey update (I'm waiting to have a laptop to look up those results and I will also try to send some more out to places where I do n't think I got enough substance) and also a more thorough reflection of the experience and probably a brainstorm of how I think I am going to try and put all of this information together because it has been ALL OVER THE PLACE!! With the history, to the politics, to debt crises, to interviews, to surveys, to the environment and sustainability and all of these are supposed to come together?! This project is something different then what I think I had planned for myself but, it happened, it actually happened. Regardless of if I make it home or not (I will) the adventure is in the books. 

I always feel weird before starting something that has been PROMISED to change my life. Because it's weird for me to start something knowing at the end I will, in some way, be a different person (and I like myself the way I am thank you very much)...and you don't know how, when, or why you'll change or if it'll be for the better or for the worst. So I tend to go into these things a little skeptical and hold on to who I think I am. But, I think this trip has shown me that Iam constantly changing, learning and growing and that change is justwhat happens...I think I have a new understanding of that now. 

So here I am...different than who I was 48 days ago...different from who I was four years ago. This trip home really is my end of my involvement with Xavier as a student. At graduation I was too worried about this for it to be "the end." Now it's the end. But it's okay...because this was one hell of a way to end my Xavier education. I learned so much in these past seven weeks and I hope by April I can coherently put into words how important the Brueggeman Center and Fellowship has been to me. 

I feel ready to take on the world, independent, but not alone. Wanting to create meaningful relationships in the world. To  never be comfortable and always challenging things. So thats where I am...and I don't think I could have said that seven weeks ago. I know that that is what I wanted for myself after graduation...now this is what I am demanding from myself and I know I can and I won't let myself stop, I guess.

(quick side note that really doesn't have to do with anything but I have to tell someone: today in my hostel room one of the top bunks just disappeared, it was gone probably all day...it was still gone when I got back. I took a shower and have been sitting here typing and reading for a while and I just looked up and the bed is back?!?! okay so there is a ghost, casual, good). 

Now, back to this, but not really becasue I realize I'm running out of words right now. I have a lot of feelings that I want to write down but I haven't figured it out yet...just like I've learned a lot of things but have no way how to put it together in a way that anyone else can understand. 

So I guess I'll leave you with this...this was the most important thing I've ever done. 

Also, thank you people who have read this...I appreciate it, I would've been bored and fed up with this a long time ago but really thanks for sticking with my jumbled thougths (also thanks mom, dad, kg, kayla, fellows, and entire support system who checks up on me...I for realz could not have done it without you and am so so grateful). <3